Yankees can be Rednecks too! Ok, if yer a Yankee, and made it THIS far, here's some tips on how to be a redneck.  For US Southerners, it'll be a damn good hoot an a holler! Sell yer BMW. It screams "Yankee" at every turn. Buy yerself a pickup truck, preferably 1973-78 vintage. Add a gun rack across the rear window of the cab and replace the conventional tires with big 'uns. Install a tape player and buy two tapes to start with, "Moe and Joe Bandy" and "Waylon and Willie and the Boys." Weld a trailer hitch to the back bumper and place a hound dog of dubious linage in the back.  Name him "Scrap Iron." Hang a pair of baby shoes and the tassel from your graduation cap from your rearview mirror. Ideally, you should have two wardrobes of jeans.  The dirt-slicked, worn-out-at-the-knees kind (with a circular imprint of a snuff can on the rear pocket) will suffice for yer everyday wear.  But you'll need a couple of faded, but clean pairs with razor-sharp creases down the front for Sundays and special occasions.  You know, like the ones them Grand Ole Opry star wear with their tuxedo coats at the Country Music Awards shows on tv. But no belt.  Don't wear no belt.  That jest ain't macho.  Jest forget the blue oxford cloth button-down preppy shirts like you and your old lady wear.  T-shirts with gross sayins on 'em will serve the purpose jest fine.  Be sure and get at least one with Harley Davidson on it. Learn to spit a lot.  Rednecks and good ole boys are big spitters.  Sometimes even good ole girls are too! Right off, start hanging round the neighborhood Amoco station in the evenin and the pool hall in the daytime.  It's good practice for standin round outside a church on Wednesday night talkin' bout huntin' and fishin' with the other good ole boys while the wife and the young 'uns are inside at prayer meetin. Learn to talk with a kitchen match in yer mouth. Belch ALOT.  Not Lil Pansy assed baby burps, we're talkin about almost demonic growls of a burp that shake the earth, and bust winders. Understand there are some things you will be expected to git excited about: Fishin, huntin, motorcycles, pickup trucks, dogs, 18-wheelers, the Grand Ole Opry, chewin tobacco, wrasslin', gospel music and country fairs. Finally, your name.  If your name happens to be somethin like Maurice or Eugene, you'll never make it in Redneck Country unless ya make the switch to initals, like J.D. or somethin like that.  Start now by calling yourself M.C. or J.D.   If ya kin bring yerself to make these suggested adjustments yer well on yer way to makin' the move to Redneck Country. ©2000-2003 Beer Bytch Biz