Attention Visitors!!
This list of rules will be handed to each person as they enter our Great State. 

1.  That slope-shouldered farm boy did more work before breakfast than you'll do all week at the gym.  He doesn't need your respect, but he sure as heck deserves it. 

2.  It's called a 'gravel road.' No matter how slow you drive, you're going to get dust on your SUV.  I have a four-wheel drive because I need it.  Drive it or get it out of the way. 

3.  We all started hunting and fishing when we were nine years old.  Yeah, we saw Bambi.  Its a cartoon.  We got over it. 

4.  Any references to "corn fed" when talking about our women will get your ass jack-slapped... By our women.!

5.  Go ahead and bring your $600 Orvis Fly Rod.  Don't cry to us if a flathead breaks it off at the handle.  We have a name for that little 10-inch trout you fish for...bait. 

6. Tell your kids to pull up their pants. They look like idiots. 

7. If that cell phone rings while a bunch of mallards are making their final approach, we will shoot it out of your hand.  You better hope you don't have it up to your ear at the time. 

8. That's right. Whiskey is only two bucks. We can buy a fifth for what you paid for that shot in the airport at New York, Boston, Chicago, or L.A. 

9.  High School Football is as important here as the Lakers and the Knicks... and a dang sight more fun to watch. 

10.  No, there's no "Vegetarian Special" on the menu.  Order steak.  Order it rare.  Or, you can order the Chef's Salad and pick off the two pounds of ham and turkey. 

11. Yeah, we have sweet tea. It comes in a glass with two packets of sugar, some lemon, and a long spoon.

12.  You bring Coke into my house, it better be brown, wet, and served over ice , and plenty of it!  If it's the other kind, you won't like the kind of straw I'll stick up your nose. 

13. You bring "Hooch" into my house it better have 4 legs, a tail, and have a nose for quail, dove, duck, teal, or pheasant.

14. You bring "Mary Jane" to my house she better be cute, know how to shoot, drive a truck, and have long hair.

15. So you have a sixty thousand dollar car.  We're real impressed.  We have sixty thousand dollar tractors that we drive two weeks a year. 

16.  Let's get this straight.  We have one stop light in town.  We stop when it's red. We may even stop when it's yellow. 

17.  Our women hunt, fish, and drive trucks--because they want to.  Our women are some of the best looking in the country.  Oh, you're a feminist.  Well aint that cute. 

18. We open doors for women. That applies to everyone regardless of age!

19.  Yeah, we eat catfish--crappies, too--and bass.  You really want sushi and caviar?  It's available at the corner bait shop. 

20.  They are pigs, cattle, and oil wells.  That's what they smell like to you.  They smell like money to us.  Get over it.  Don't like it?  Interstate 20 goes two ways - Route 75 heads straight North.  I-40 and I-10 go east and west, I-35 goes north and south. Pick one. 

21.  So every person in every pick-up waves.  It's called being friendly.  Try to understand the concept. 

22.  Yeah, we have golf courses.  Don't hit in the water hazards. It spooks the fish. 

23.  Yes we shoot the doves.  So they're songbirds.  We like something besides beef once in a while.

24. The "Opener" refers to the first day of deer season. It's a religious holiday held the closest Saturday to the first of November.

25. Trucks are made to get dirty. Don't bring your Eddie Bauer Limited Edition to my huntin' camp and expect to leave clean on Sunday. It won't happen.

26. When we fill out a table there are three main dishes: meats, vegetables, and breads. We use three spices- salt, pepper, and Tabasco Sauce!

27. Colleges? Try Texas A&M, or Tarleton State. They come outta there with an education and a love for God and country, and they still wave at passing pickups when they come home for the holidays.

28. We have more Navy, Army, Marines, and Air Force than any other state, so, "Don't Mess With Texas". If you do it will get your butt kicked by the best!

29. Our Military is only used as a back up. Per capita, each man, woman, and child owns at least two firearms and has taken a NRA Certified Shooter Education Course.

30. Also, remember what Governor Sam Houston once said, "Texas can make it without the United States, but the United States can't make it without Texas.

And Now quoting the GREAT Texas singer/songwriter Brian Burns ...

Welcome To Texas
Brian Burns - (C)opr. 1999 - Brian Burns Music (BMI)

Welcome To Texas was the most requested song on D/FW radio in the summer of 1999.  I had developed the idea several years earlier when I was employed by a software company that had relocated to Texas from out of state.  The company's transplanted employees routinely referred to Texans as "inbreds", "rednecks", "hillbillies", etc.  I am perpetually struck by the plight of these sterile, generic, corporate robots who move here harboring such contempt for Texas and Texans.  I offered up Welcome To Texas to remind them that some of us have the strength-of-character and industriousness to live where the hell we want to live, so don't blindly follow your boss and your paycheck into our state and then complain about US!  Certainly, "Welcome To Texas" was never meant to be an anti-Yankee (nor anti-anybody) song; some of my dearest friends and supporters are transplants who have moved to Texas - and love it here!

Welcome to Texas, glad that you came down,
you’ve got lots of friends here, take a look around.
They come from California, they come from Ohio,
they come from Minnesota to get out of the snow.

You don’t like our drivin’, you don’t like our roads,
you make fun of the way we talk, make fun of our clothes,
but you clog up our highways, been pourin’ in for years;
if you don’t like the way we do it, what are you doin’ here?

CHORUS:
Welcome to Texas, don’t anybody get me wrong;
we’re glad y’all came to see us, just don’t forget to go back home.

We don’t need your politics, we don’t need your prayers,
we don’t need your moral compass leadin’ us anywhere.
We don’t need your business, we don’t need your art,
we don’t really give a damn how you did things up north.

REPEAT CHORUS

You gripe about our music, gripe about our food,
gripe about the weather here, say it’s way too hot for you.
We hear all your whinin’, and it starts wearin’ thin
when we see our milk and honey runnin’ down your chin.

So come on down to Texas, have yourself a ball,
take the kids to Six Flags, and the wife out to the mall.
Have a good vacation, but then don’t hesitate
to point your car back up the road to that outbound interstate.

REPEAT CHORUS

Now, Y'all enjoy your visit & don't forget to go back home.

©2003 Beer Bytch Biz