The Beer Prayer

(Let us pray..)


Our lager,
Which art in barrels,
Hallowed be thy drink,
Thy will be drunk, (I will be drunk),
At home, as I am in the pub and tavern.
Give us this day our foamy head,
And forgive us our spillages,
As we forgive those who spill against us,
and lead us not to incarceration,
But deliver us from hangovers,
For thine is the beer,
The bitter and the lager,
Forever and ever,

Barmen.

Author; unknown, but believed to be either German, Irish or Scottish!

BEER TRIVIA:

- Beer is said to be the catalyst for the first paving of an American street.  Stone Street in New York was paved so the city's beer wagons
could easily get through the watery muck from the breweries. -

BEER Troubleshooting 101

*A Redneck's Guide* (OR wisdom learned from Meridian at the LJT Fest 2001!)

SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet. 
FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle. 
ACTION: Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling.

 

SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet. 
FAULT: Improper bladder control. 
ACTION: Stand next to nearest dog, complain about house training. 



SYMPTOM: Beer unusually pale and tasteless. 
FAULT: Glass empty. 
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer. 



SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights. 
FAULT: You have fallen over backward. 
ACTION: Have yourself leashed to bar. 



SYMPTOM: Mouth contains cigarette butts. 
FAULT: You have fallen forward. 
ACTION: See above. 



SYMPTOM: Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet. 
FAULT: Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face. 
ACTION: Retire to restroom, practice in mirror. 



SYMPTOM: Floor blurred. 
FAULT: You are looking through bottom of empty glass. 
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer. 



SYMPTOM: Floor moving. 
FAULT: You are being carried out. 
ACTION: Find out if you are being taken to another bar. 



SYMPTOM: Room seems unusually dark. 
FAULT: Bar has closed. 
ACTION: Confirm home address with bartender. 



SYMPTOM: Taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspect and textures. 
FAULT: Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations. 
ACTION: Cover mouth. 



SYMPTOM: Everyone looks up to you and smiles. 
FAULT: You are dancing on the table. 
ACTION: Fall on somebody cushy-looking. 



SYMPTOM: Beer is crystal-clear. 
FAULT: It’s water. Somebody is trying to sober you up. 
ACTION: Punch them



SYMPTOM: Hands hurt, nose hurts, mind unusually clear. 
FAULT: You have been in a fight. 
ACTION: Apologize to everyone you see, just in case it was them. 



SYMPTOM: Don’t recognize anyone, don’t recognize the room you’re in. 
FAULT: You’ve wandered into the wrong party. 
ACTION: See if they have free beer. 



SYMPTOM: Your singing sounds distorted. 
FAULT: The beer is too weak. 
ACTION: Have more beer until your voice improves. 



SYMPTOM: Don’t remember the words to the song. 
FAULT: Beer is just right. 
ACTION: Play air guitar. 

A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: 
"A beer please, and one for the road." 

19 CLUES TO CALLING IT A NIGHT.

1. You have absolutely no idea where the HELL your shoes are.


2. You've just had to get someone to help you pull your pants up in the ladies room.


3. You suddenly decide you want to kick someone's ass.


4. In your last trip to "pee" you realize you now look more like Tammy Faye Baker than the sexy goddess that you were just four hours ago.

5. You drop your 3:00 a.m. burrito on the floor, pick it up and carry on eating.

6. You start crying.

7. There are less than three hours before you're due to start work.

8. You've found a deeper side to the office nerd.

9. The man you're flirting with used to be your 5th grade teacher.

10. The urge to take off articles of clothing, stand on a table and sing becomes strangely overwhelming.

11. You've forgotten where you live.


12. You've started to sound like Jessie Ventura from all the cigarettes you've smoked, because (as you've mentioned like
ten times by now) you only smoke when you drink.


13. You yell at the bartender, who (you think) cheated you by giving you just tonic, but that's just because you can no longer taste the gin or vodka.


14. You think you're in bed, but your pillow feels strangely like pizza.


15. You start every conversation with a booming, "Don't take this the wrong way but..."


16. You fail to notice that the toilet lid's down when you sit on it.


17. Your sloppy hugs begin to resemble wrestling take-down moves.


18. You're tired so you just sit on the floor (and why the HELL not?!)

19. You show your friends that girls can pee standing up if they really want to.

Booze On The Toilet


A drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the bathroom.  
A few minutes later, a loud, blood curdling scream is heard coming from the bathroom. 
A few minutes after that, another loud scream reverberates through the bar. 
The bartender goes back to the bathroom to investigate why the drunk is screaming.


 

"What's all the screaming about in there?" he yells.

 "You're scaring my customers!"


 

"I'm just sitting here on the toilet," slurs the drunk," and every time

 I try to flush, 
something comes up and squeezes the hell out of

 my balls."
The bartender opens the door, looks in, and says, "You idiot! You're sitting on the mop bucket!"

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Q: What does a drunk walrus have in common with a woman at a tupperware party?

A: They're both looking for a tight seal!