TEXAS PRIDE

Just about anyone would enjoy some fun Texas vacations. There are tons of relaxing family trips to take with family and friends like ski resorts or even last minute cruises. It's nice to be able to take a vacation in the sun or enjoy other activities on a vacation and get away from everyday life.

TEXAS PRIDE

TEXAS COWBOY

A TEXAS cowboy appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. "Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asked.

"Well, I can think of one thing," the cowboy offered. "Once, on a trip to Houston, I came upon a gang of bikers who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her the Hell alone, but they wouldn't listen. So, I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed biker and smacked him in his face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground. I yelled, 'Now, back the fuck off...or I'll kick the shit out of all of you!'

St. Peter was impressed, "When did this happen?"

"Just a couple minutes ago..."

Don't Jump...??

A Texan looked up at the top of a tall building and discovered a man ready to jump! "Stop," he yelled, "remember you're someone who has value!"

The man yelled back, "I just lost everything of value in the stock market!"

"But remember you're important to your wife," yelled the Texan.

"She divorced me, the bitch."

"Your children! Remember your children," yelled the Texan.

"They never call," said the man.

"Then your parents. Remember your parents," yelled the Texan.

"Dead as doornails," said the man.

"Then 'Remember the Alamo," yelled the Texan.

"What's the Alamo?" inquired the man.

And the Texan replied: "Jump, you sonnofabitch! Jump!"

Bigger in Texas

As everyone knows, everything is bigger in Texas. The roads are bigger, the trees are bigger, and the wide open spaces are, well, wider. Texans wear the biggest hats, the biggest boots, and drive the biggest cars.

One day, a Texan died and went to heaven. He was met at the pearly gates by none other than St. Peter, who proceeded to give him a tour of the wonders of heaven.

The Texan, however, was not impressed. St. Peter showed him the most beautiful rivers, and the Texan said that they were bigger in Texas. St. Peter revealed to him the majesty of mountains, but the Texan
reminded him that they were just as good, if not better, back in Texas.

St. Peter showed him the glory of the stars (they shine brighter in Texas), the enormity of the sunrise (you haven't seen it until you've seen it in Texas), and the simple wonder of a doe and a fawn drinking at a lake at sunset (reminiscent of Lake Texarkana, only not as pretty). There was nothing St. Peter could do to
overcome the man's opinion of his home state.

Finally, St. Peter took the Texan right out to the edge of heaven, and they both looked down. From there one could see all the way down into Hell. They could see the fire and the brimstone and the agony
ad infinitum. It was a horrific sight. St. Peter then said, "Well? What do you think about that? Have
anything like THAT down in Texas?"

The Texan replied, "No sir, we don't -- but I know a couple good old boys down in Houston who will put that out for ya."

Having Breakfast...

A Southerner is having his breakfast of coffee, grits, biscuits and jam, when a Northerner, chewing obnoxiously on gum, sits down next to him.

The Southerner ignores the Northerner who, nevertheless, starts a conversation.

Northerner: "When you Southern people eat bread, do you eat the whole slice?"

Southerner: "Yep."

Northerner: (After blowing a huge bubble) "We don't. Up North, we only eat what's inside. The crusts we collect in a container, recycle it, then transform them into biscuits and send them to the South."

The Northerner has a smirk on his face. The Southerner listens in silence.

The Northerner persists: "Do you eat jam with biscuits?"

Southerner: "Yep."

Northerner: (Cracking and smacking his gum between his teeth and chuckling) "We don't. Up North, after we eat fruit for breakfast, we put all the peels, seeds, and leftovers in containers, recycle them, transform them into jam, and then send it down South."

Then the Southerner asks, "Y'all have sex up North?"

Northerner: "Why, of course, we do." And he pops another big bubble.

Southerner: "And what do y'all do with the condoms once ya use'em?

Northerner: "We throw them away, of course."

Southerner: "We don't. Down South, we put 'em in a jar, melt 'em down into bubble gum, and sell 'em to Yankees."

Hot & Humid

A Texan dies and goes to hell. While down there the devil notices that the Texan is not suffering like the rest. He checks the gauges and sees that it's 100 degrees and about 80% humidity. So he goes over to the Texan and asks why he's so damn happy.

The Texan says, "I really like it here. The temperature is just like Dallas in June." The devil isn't happy with the Texan's answer and decides to fix him, so he goes over and turns up the temperature to 120 degrees and the humidity to 90%.

After turning everything up he goes looking for the Texan. He finds him standing around unbuttoning his shirt, just as happy as can be.

The devil quizzes the Texan again as to why he's so damn happy.

The Texan says, "This is even better. It's like Houston in July." The devil, now really upset, decides to make the Texan really understand that hell is no paradise. He walks over to the controls and turns the heat up to 140 degrees and the humidity to 100%. "Now let's see what the Texan is up to," he thinks.

So he goes looking for the Texan. The devil finds the Texan taking his shirt off basking in the heat, even happier than before. The devil can't figure it out. He asks the Texan why he's happy now. The Texan replies, "This is great, it's just like Brownsville in August."

The devil says: "That's it, I'll get this guy." He walks over and turns the temperature down to a freezing 25 degrees below zero.

"Now let's see what the Texan has to say about this," the devil thinks to himself. He looks around and finds the Texan jumping up and down for joy.

"What are you so damn happy about now," asks the devil. Still excited, the Texan replies, "The Rangers have finally won the world series."

Once upon a time in the kingdom of Heaven , God was missing for six days. Eventually, Michael the Archangel found him, resting on the seventh day.

He inquired of God. "Where have you been?"

God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, "Look, Michael. Look what I've made."

Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, "What is it?"

"It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put Life on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance."

"Balance?" Inquired Michael, still confused

God explained, pointing to different parts of earth. "For example, northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth but cold and harsh while southern Europe is going to be poor but sunny and pleasant. "I have made some lands abundant in water and other lands parched deserts. This one will be extremely hot and while this one will be very cold and covered in ice."

The Archangel , impressed by God's work, then pointed to a land mass and said "What 's that one?"

"Ah," said God. "That ' s TEXAS -- the most glorious place on earth.

There are beautiful beaches, streams, hills, and forests The people from TEXAS are going to be handsome, modest, intelligent and humorous and they are going to be found traveling the world. They will be extremely sociable, hardworking and high achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats and carriers of peace."

Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then proclaimed, "What about balance, Lord? You said there would be balance!"

God replied wisely, "Wait until you see the idiots I'll put in AUSTIN."