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"Bush-isms"
The White House didn't
just get a new team, but a whole new language. George W. Bush
brought
with him many friends from Texas, and for anyone not born in the
Lone Star State, the Texan redneck accent and the cowboy
colloquialisms can seem a bit strange. Here's a guide to a few
of the more colorful expressions you might encounter:
- As welcome as a skunk at a lawn
party. (self-explanatory)
- Tighter than bark on a tree. (Not
very generous)
- We've howdy'd but we ain't shook
yet. (We've made a brief acquaintance, but not been formally
introduced.)
- Just because a chicken has wings
doesn't mean it can fly. (Appearances can be deceptive.)
- This ain't my first rodeo. (I've
done been around awhile.)
- Time to paint your butt and run
with the antelope. (Stop arguing and do as you're told.)
- You can put your boots in the
oven, but that don't make 'em biscuits. (You can say
whatever you want about something, but that doesn't change
what it is.)
- In
Texas, folks aren't just rich-- locals say they didn't come
to town two to a mule.
-
Someone doesn't merely die-- she opens herself up a worm
farm.
A classic, it's a succinct and
subtle way of perpetuating the everything's-bigger -in-Texas
myth. It also recalls another legendary (if less flattering)
quote long attributed to Union General Phil Sheridan, who was
posted in Texas after the Civil War: "If I owned hell and Texas,
I'd rent out Texas and live in hell."
- He don't care what
you call him as long as you call him to supper.
- So big he has to sit
down in shifts.
- Fat as a town dog.
- His butt looks like
two hams in a tow sack.
- He's all spread out
like a cold supper.
Lots of Texans are apt to spin
a tall tale on short notice, but some are prone to talking with
no notice at all. An observer might note of such a 'live
dictionary" or "chin musician" that "he speaks ten words a
second, with gusts to fifty." The most common construction,
however, is "he could talk the [blank] off a [blank]" -- maybe
"the legs off a chair," "the ears off a cow," "the gate off its
hinges." This handy fill-in-the-blank form easily adapts itself
to the speaker's experience or view.
- She could talk a
coon right out of a tree.
- He's got a
ten-gallon mouth.
- He blew in his own
words.
- He'd worry the warts
off a frog.
- She's got tongue enough for 10
rows of teeth. (That woman can talk.)
Say you're an expatriate who
just moved back to Texas. Upon your return, you might be "happy
as a hog in slops" or "happy as a boardinghouse pup." More
convoluted phrasings include: "The greatest thing since...(apple
burr to bare feet); "She took to you like...) a buzzard to guts;
a sticker burr to bare feet)"; and "I haven't had so much fun
since...(the hogs ate Sister; the legs fell off Nell's
hamster)." Try using one of these, and your spirits will rise
like a corncob in a cistern.
- Fat and sassy.
- If I felt any
better, I'd drop my harp plumb through the cloud.
- I'm cooking on a
front burner today.
- We're in tall cotton. (Things are
going well)
- She's got a lot of
stars in her crown.
- Fine as cream gravy.
- Finer than a frog's hair.
Texas has four seasons: drought,
flood, blizzard, and twister. That old saying isn't far from
wrong. Because of its sheer size, Texas experiences all kinds of
weather -- sometimes all at once. Out in West Texas, the weather
can be drier than the heart of a haystack and windier than a
fifty-pound bag of whistling lips. A duststorm is dubbed
"Panhandle rain." Need a Texas-ism to describe the heat? No
sweat. There are dozens of steamy similes for summer suffering
(not surprisingly, there are far fewer for winter weather). How
hot is it? It's hot as the hinges of hell; hot as a two-dollar
pistol; hot as a stolen tamale. It's hotter than whoopee in
woolens, hotter than a preacher's knee, hotter than a fur coat
in Marfa. See? It's easy to get hot talk down cold.
- So hot the hens are
laying hard-boiled eggs.
- Hot as a summer
revival.
- Hotter than
honeymoon hotel.
- Hotter than a
burning stump.
- Hot as a pot of neck
bones.
- So dusty the rabbits
are digging holes six feet in the air.
- The wind's blowing
like perfume through a prom.
- So windy we're using
a log chain instead of a wind sock.
- It's so dry the trees are bribin'
the dogs. (We really could use a little rain around here.)
- "Wetter than a cucumber in a
women's prison" (stolen from Capt. Dan, Austin, TX.. It's
SELF EXPLANATORY.. an I AIN'T goin' THERE!!!)
She's lucky. Of course,
loyalists would argue that all Texans are lucky, simply by
virtue of being born Texans. But this saying conveys the extreme
auspiciousness of a four-star fortunate.
- They tried to hang
him, but the rope broke.
- He could draw a pat
hand from a stacked deck.
- He always draws the
best bull.
-
He's riding a gravy train with biscuit wheels.
Texans are unabashed braggarts.
This saying separates the seasoned boaster from the rest of the
crowd.
- She's got more airs
than an Episcopalian.
- He's all broth and
no beans.
- He
broke his arm patting himself on the back.
- As full of wind as a corn-eating
horse. (Rather prone to boasting.)
- He thinks the sun come up just to
hear him crow. (He has a pretty high opinion of himself.)
- Big hat, no cattle. (All talk and
no action)
Staunch moral values--as
professed publicly, at any rate--remain a constant in the Texas
character, and woe to those who act otherwise. This quotation is
a beaut. Not just women are targeted in such zingers: A similar
remark for a man is "He'll take up with any hound that'll hunt."
Obviously, when it comes to Texas talk, immorality is fertile
ground.
- Loose as ashes in
the wind.
- She's just naturally
horizontal.
- He was all over her
like ugly on an ape.
- They're hitched but
not churched.
- He was born on the
wrong side of the blanket.
- They ate supper before they said
grace. (Living in sin.)
Another great saying tied to
Texas' love of the land. Expressions for "stupid" are the second
most common in Texas lore.
- If all her brains
were dynamite, she couldn't blow her nose.
- The engine's runnin'
but ain't nobody driving. (Not overly-intelligent.)
- He couldn't find his
butt with a flashlight in each hand.
- If brains were
leather, he couldn't saddle a flea.
- He couldn't pour
rain out of a boot with a hole in the toe and directions on
the heel.
- Sharp as a mashed
potato.
One of many marvelous references
to "crazy." Quite a few such descriptions spring from vintage
homemaking or housekeeping terminology --consider also "She came
right off the spool" and "He's missing a few buttons off his
shirt." Obviously pioneer women were just as capable of coining
colorful colloquialisms as were the men.
- He's got a big hole
in his screen door.
- She's a couple
sandwiches shy of a picnic.
- The porch light's on
but no one's home.
- Her phone's off the
hook.
- He lost too many
balls in the high weeds.
- He's overdrawn at
the memory bank.
In short, he's ugly. Expressions
for homeliness are the most common of Texas sayings. This
stellar and venerable example paints a picture, tells a tale,
and cracks a joke, all in twelve words.
- So ugly his mama
takes him everywhere she goes so she doesn't have to kiss
him goodbye.
- She looks like she
fell face-down in the sticker patch and cows ran over her.
- She's so ugly she'd
make a freight train take a dirt road.
- He's so ugly his
cooties have to close their eyes.
- He looks like the dog's been
keepin' him under the porch. (Not the most handsome of men.)
- She looks like she's been rode
hard and put up wet. (The woman's lookin' a bit rough.)
To break a horse is to train or
domesticate it. This saying means a person is ornery, dangerous,
and mean-- in essence, that he can't be "broken." Use it to
convey that my-family-has- ranching-roots allure.
- Meaner than a
skilletful of rattlesnakes.
- So low he'd steal
the nickels off a dead man's eyes.
- She makes a hornet
look cuddly.
- Meaner than a
junkyard dog.
- He'd start a fight
at the drop of a hat-- and he'd drop it himself.
- A
scoundrel is "greasy as fried lard"
There's some overlap here with
expressions for "shy" and "nervous," but the "scared" file
includes such gems as "She wouldn't bite a biscuit" and "She
backed out quicker than a crawfish." A saying as as old as the
state itself is "He's first cousin to Moses Rose," a reference
to the man (also known as Louis Rose) who has long been said to
be the only coward who fled the Alamo before the seige.
- Yellow suits her.
- He's as yellow as
mustard, but without the bite.
- Scared as a sinner
in a cyclone.
- Scared as a cat at
the dogpound.
- If
he was melted down, he couldn't be poured into a fight.
Timidity is not an attribute
many Texans would care to claim, but perhaps the very rarity of
that quality makes it saying-worthy.
- Shy as sapphires.
- Shy as a crocus.
- Whey-faced.
- I feel like a possum
trotted over my grave.
Skittish horses have inspired
many an equine expression. Consider "He won't stand hitched" or
"She's chewing her bit." Other apt examples: "She's so nervous
she has to thread her sewing machine while it's running" and
"He's as nervous as a long-tailed cat in a roomful of rockers."
But one saying in this category reigns as the undisputed
classic: "Nervous as a whore in church."
- Jumpy as spit on a
hot skillet.
- Calm as a june bug.
- He makes a pressure
cooker look calm.
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