Definition of a Redneck: (red'nek') Noun used to describe good ol' boys n' girls who love cold beer, hot romance, Nascar, slow dancin', BBQ, long kisses, country music, pickup trucks, good fishin', moon pies, America, Mom, Apple Pie, and are proud to defend any of em'!

However, ya don't have to be born in the sticks of Texas and make a livin' huntin' wild game & fishin' to put food on the table to be a redneck. Rednecks can be from damn near anywhere in the world. (ALMOST ALWAYS Southerners!) However, most rednecks do share common interests, country music, smoking, beer, chew, huntin, fishin, boots, hats, blue jeans, pickup trucks, and the great outdoors. This doesn't mean you have to be an alcoholic addicted to tobacco. These are just overall characteristics of rednecks. Ya don't gotta be some ugly, dirty, white trash to be a redneck either.

Rules fer Northerners Visitin the South

To be read ONLY by those with a sense of humor! It's a joke son!

• Save all kinds of bacon grease. You'll be instructed later on just how to use it.
• If ya ferget a Southerner's name, refer to 'em as "Bubba." You have a 75% chance of bein right.
• Just cuz y'all kin drive on snow an ice don't mean we can't stay home the two days of the year it snows.
• If ya run yer car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in the cab of a four wheel drive with a 12-pack of beer and a tow chain will be along shortly. Don't try to help 'em. Jest stay outta their way. This is what they live for.
• Don't be surprised to find movie rentals an bait in the same store.
• Don't buy food at the movie store.
• If it cain't be fried in bacon grease, it ain't worth cookin, let alone eatin.
• Remember: "Y'all" is plural. "All y'all" is plural. "All y'all's" is plural possessive.
• There's nuttin' sillier than a Northerner imitating a southern accent, unless of course it's a southerner imitatin a Boston accent.
• Git used to hearing, "Ya ain't from around here, are ya?"
• People walk slower here.
• Don't be worried that ya don't understand no one. They don't understand ya neither.
• The first Southern expression to creep into a transplanted Northerner's vocabulary is the adjective "Big ol,'" as in "big ol' truck" or "big ol' boy." 85% begin their new Southern influenced dialect with this expression. 100% are in denial about it.
• The proper pronunciation ya learned in school aint no longer proper.
• Be advised: The "He needed killin'" defense is valid here.
• If attendin' a funeral in the South, remember, we stay until the last shovel of dirt is thrown on an the tent is torn down.
• If ya hear a Southerner exclaim, "Hey, y'all, watch this!" stay the HELL outta of his way. These are moren likely the last words he will ever say.
• Southerners don't use turn signals, and we ignore those who do. In fact, if ya see a signal blinkin on a car with a southern license plate, you may rest assured it was on when the car was purchased.
• Northerners can be identified by the spit on the inside of their car's windshield that comes from yellin at other drivers.
• The winter wardrobe ya always brought out in September kin wait til November.
• If there is the prediction of the slightest chance of even the most minuscule accumulation of snow, yer presence is required at the local grocery store. It dont matter if you need anything from the store, its jest somethin you're supposed to do.
• Satellite dishes are real popular in the South. When you purchase one it is to be positioned directly in front of your trailer. This is logical, bearing in mind that the dish cost considerably moren the trailer and should, therefore, be displayed.
• Tornadoes and Southerners going through a divorce have a lot in common. In either case, you know someones gonna lose a trailer.
• Florida IS NOT considered a southern state. There are far more Yankees than Southerners livin there.
• In southern churches you will hear the hymn, All Glory, Laud and Honor. You will also hear expressions such as, "Laud, have mercy", "Good Laud" and "Laudy, Laudy, Laudy."
• As yer cursin the person driving 15 mph in a 55 mph zone, right down the middle of the road, remember, a lotta folks learned to drive on a model of vehicle known as John Deere, and this is the proper speed and lane position for that vehicle.
• You kin ask a Southerner for directions, but unless ya already know the positions of key hills, trees and rocks, you're better off trying to find it yerself.
• No use in buying the newspaper. Jest go to the local hardware store where a bunch of men sittin in rocking chairs will be able to give ya any news ya might need ta know.
• You may hear a Southerner say "Ought!" to a dog or child. This is short for "Ya'll ought not do that!" and is the equivalent of saying "No!"
• Do not be surprised to find that 10 year olds own their own shotguns, they are proficient marksmen, and their mammas taught them how to aim.
• In the South, we have found that the best way to grow a lush green lawn is to pour gravel on it and call it a driveway.
• If you do settle in the South and bear children, don't think we will accept them as Southerners. After all, if the cat had kittens in the oven, we surely wouldn't call 'em biscuits!
• Never, an I mean Never miss a good chance to shut up.

A short lesson on Southernisms....
If you are from the northern states and planning on visiting or moving to the South, there are a few things you oughta know that will help you adapt to the difference in lifestyles:

• The North has sun-dried toe-mah-toes,
• The South has 'mater sammitches.
• The North has coffee houses,
• The South has Waffle Houses.
• The North has dating services,
• The South has family reunions.
• The North has switchblade knives,
• The South has Lee Press on Nails.
• The North has double last names,
• The South has double first names.
• The North has Ted Kennedy,
• The South has Jesse Helms.
• The North has an ambulance,
• The South has an amalance.
• The North Has the Mafia,
• The South has the Klan.
• The North has Indy car races,
• The South has stock car races.
• The North has Cream of Wheat,
• The South has grits.
• The North has green salads,
• The South has collard greens.
• The North has lobsters,
• The South has craw daddies.
• The North has the rust belt,
• The South has the Bible Belt.
• The North has Distilleries, Breweries, and liquor stores.
• The South has stills, shine, and them ridge runners.

A Southerner's 10 commandments

It's S'pposed to be funny, Y'all! It's a Joke, son, A joke I say!

"Dixie"

©2000-2003 Beer Bytch Biz