A Horoscope jest fer Y'all Southerners

• Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

It has become pretty danged obvious to us Southerners that our present astro-logical signs have done served their purpose and we should jest get rid of 'em.  When I'm out drivin round I'll see bulls, and once in a great while I suppose I'll even see a ram.  Up yonder from me there's some sexy cowboy twins, but I don't see them much.  The rest of these silly signs are just too durn obscure.  Unless you live on the Gulf, you only see crabs on vacation.  There are only a few mountain lions and you only git scorpions in Louisiana and Texas, not many archers and aint no water bearers.  Virgins??!!  The neighborhood aint crawlin with em either.  SO, what we need here is some relevance.  We need things we kin recognize up yonder in that there night sky.

SCROLL DOWN YONDER TO YER BIRTH DATE!

OKRA Dec 22 - Jan 20

Although ya appear crude, yer actually very slick on the inside. Okra have tremendous influence. An older Okra can look back over his life and see the seeds of his influence everywhere. Stay away from Moon Pies!

CHITLIN Jan 21 - Feb 19

Chitlins often come from humble backgrounds. Many times they're uncomfortable talkin about jest where they came from. A chitlin, however, can make something of himself if he's motivated and has plenty of seasoning. When it comes to dealin with Chitlins, be very careful. Chitlins kin burn and then erupt like Vesuvius, and this can make for a real mess. Chitlins are best with Catfish and Okra. Remember that when marriage time rolls around.

BOLL WEEVIL Feb 20 - Mar 20

You have an overwhelming curiosity. You're unsatisfied with the surface of things, and you feel the need to bore deep into the interior of everything. Needless to say, you are very intense and driven as if you had some inner hunger. Nobody in their right mind is going to marry you, so don't worry about it.

MOON PIE Mar 21 - Apr 20

You're the type that spends a lotta time on the front porch. It's a cinch to recognize the physical appearance of Moon Pies. "Big" and "round" are the key words here. You should marry anybody who you can get remotely interested in the idea. It's not going to be easy. This might be the year to think about aerobics. Maybe not.

POSSUM Apr 21 - May 21

When confronted with life's difficulties, possums have a marked tendency to withdraw and develop a "don't - $%&*#@ - bother - me - about - it" attitude. Sometimes you become so withdrawn, people actually think you're dead. This strategy is probably not psychologically healthy, but seems to work for you. One day, however, it won't work, and you may find your problems actually running you over.

CRAWFISH May 22 - Jun 21

Crawfish is a water sign. If you work in an office, you're always hanging around the water cooler. Crawfish prefer the beach to the mountains, the pool to the golf course, the bathtub to the living room. You tend not to be particularly attractive physically, but you have very, very good heads

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COLLARDS Jun 22- Jul 23

Collards have a great genius for communication. They love to get in the "melting pot" of life and share their essence with the essences of those around them. Collards make good social workers, psychologists, and baseball managers. As far as your personal life goes, if you are Collards, stay away from Moon Pies. It just won't work. Save yourself a lotta heartache.

CATFISH Jul 24 - Aug 23

Catfish are real traditionalists in matters of the heart, with one exception: Whiskers may cause problems for loved ones. You catfish are never easy people to understand. You prefer the muddy bottoms to the clear surface of life. Above all else, Catfish should stay away from Moon Pies.

GRITS Aug 24 - Sep 23

Your highest aim is to be with others like yourself. You like to huddle together with a big crowd of other Grits. You love to travel, though, so maybe you should think about joining a club. Where do you like to go? Anywhere they have cheese or gravy or bacon or butter or eggs. If you can go somewhere where they have all these things, that serves you well.

GOOBER (AKA PEANUT) Sep 24 - Oct 23

You have a passionate desire to help your fellow man. Unfortunately, those who know you best, your friends and loved ones, may find that your personality is much too salty, and their criticism will probably affect you deeply because you are really much softer than you appear. You should go right ahead and marry anybody you want to because in a certain way, yours is a charmed life. On the road of life, you can be sure that people will always pull over and stop for you.

BUTTER BEAN Oct 24 - Nov 22

Always invite a Butter Bean cuz Butter Beans git along well with everbuddy. You, as a Butter Bean, should be proud. You've grown on the vine of life and you feel at home no matter what the setting. You can sit next to anybody. However, you, too, shouldn't have anything to do with Moon Pies.

ARMADILLO Nov 23 - Dec 21

You have a tendency to develop a tough exterior, but you are actually quite gentle. A good evening for you? Old friends, a fire, some roots, fruit, worms and insects. You are a throwback. You're not concerned with today's fashions and trends. You're not concerned with anything about today. You're really almost prehistoric in your interests and behavior patterns. You probably want to marry another Armadillo, but Possum is another, somewhat kinky, mating possibility.

"Keeper of the Stars"