The Redneck Needs

This here list kin help all yall Yankees wantin ta convert to this here superior class of person. Now, some of these here items cain't be purchased up thar in them Northern territories, Ya might try the Sears Roebuck, or L.L. Bean stores, I reckon they jus might have wutcha lookin' fer.

Ya might hafta take a long needed trip yonder down South *Just don't ferget to go back home.*  

• First, ya gotta have a used pickup truck. I prefer FORD, but any ole brand such as Dodge, Chevy or GMC will do, EXCEPT them foreign trucks. Its gotta be jacked up so high ya caint git in w'out gittin a ladder. You kin store the ladder in the bed of the truck.

• At least one 4X6 Confederate flag. Mount this behind the gun rack or fly it in the back. You gotta be proud of yer heritage and not be afraid to tell everyone and his brother that yer SOUTHERN AND DAMN PROUD OF IT!

• One belt buckle no smaller than a large pizza. This here is a MUST. The belt buckle is one of the easiest ways to tell everyone, "Hey y'all! I'm a Redneck! Look at me! Bow down before me!" The best ones have places to engrave yer name, but if yours is lacking this, you kin git it done on the back. Juss be shure to show everyone that you've done this. Example: friends, family, policemen, etc...

• One camoflauge jacket. This are soooooo kewl. Be shure to git the right color tho, none of that brown crap. Go traditional, go green.

• A variety of good country music tapes. Be shure to include such greats as George Strait, Waylon, Willie Nelson, George Jones, and Hank.  Course Texas Americana Music caint hurt neither!

• Last, but not least, a closet full of Wrangler jeans. Tight, but not so tight ya caint breath or eat! Add a flannel shirt and a pair of Justin Roper boots, and you've got one dynomite outfit. As an added touch, I like to top it all off with a baseball cap instead of a cowboy hat. Hell, we're rednecks, not hicks! Juss be shure yer cap has a fishin hook on the brim, and that the brim is well broken in. It should look like an upside down "U".

The rules of bein a redneck

• Ya must have some form of truck or SUV.
• Must like to hunt.
• Must love to fish.
• Must love beer drinkin
• Must like Nascar racing.
• Must have at least 2 Jeff Foxworthy CDs or tapes.
• Must have at least 1 Rodney Carrington CD

Resons that REDNECKS ROCK!

• Tight Wranglers!
• They have separate refrigerators for their beer!
• Country Music
• Dukes of Hazard
• King of the Hill
• Big, loud, American Trucks
• 5 'o' clock shadow (on men) and hat hair that actually look sexy!
• Jeff Foxworthy
• Bill Engvall (That Here's yer Sign, Dude)
• Rodney Carrington! (Thanks to Amado for letting me know I forgot one!)

You know you've joined a redneck HMO when:

* The annual breast exam is conducted at Hooter's
* Directions to the Dr's office include "Take a left when you enter the trailer park"
* The tongue depressors taste faintly of Fudgesicles
* The only proctologist lists his address as Rotorooter
* The Lone Star Bar and Grill is an approved pharmacy
* Your primary care physician is wearing the pants you gave to Goodwill last month
* Preventive Care Coverage includes "an apple a day"
* Your Prozac comes in colors and has little "m"s on each pill
* The only 100% covered expense is embalming

And the best one:

* Your Viagra prescription includes a popsicle stick and some duct tape