Redneck Etiquette

How To Pick Up Redneck Dates.

Look for the girl or guy with the chewin tobacco in her mouth.
Look for the person who pulls up with a truck that is taller than some of the 18 wheelers in the parking lot.
Bring ditchweed instead of flowers when you go to your dates house.

Martha Stewart's Redneck Etiquette Tips for All Occasions.

DININ' OUT

When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup, and pour slowly so as not to "bruise" the fruit of the vine.
If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label.

ENTERTAININ' IN YER HOME

A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.
Do not allow the dog to eat at the table... no matter how good his manners are.

PERSONAL HYGIENE

While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys.
Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days. However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.
Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the taste of finger foods.
Unlike clothes and shoes, a toothbrush should never be a hand-me-down item.
If you have to vacuum the bed, it's high time to change them sheets.
Plucking unwanted nose hair is time-consuming work. A cigarette lighter and a small tolerance for pain can accomplish the same goal and save hours. Note: Its a good idea to keep a bucket of water handy when using this here method.

DATIN' (Outside the Family Tree)

Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.
Be aggressive. Let her know you're interested: "I've been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the bathroom wall two years ago."
Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10:00 PM; Others might say "Monday." If the latter is the answer,it is the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.

THEATER ETIQUETTE

Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately after the movie has ended.
Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven they cain't hear you.

WEDDINS

Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a weddin gift.
Kissin the bride for more than 5 seconds may git ya shot.
For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create a tacky appearance.
Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for this very special occasion.

DRIVIN' ETIQUETTE

Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles; Even if the gun is loaded, and the deer is in sight.
When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way.
Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.
When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer.
Never relieve yourself from a moving vehicle, especially when driving.
Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.
Do not remove the seats from the car so that all yer kids kin fit in.

GENERAL ALL-ROUND POLITENESS

Never take a beer to a job interview or ask if they press charges.
Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.
Always say "Excuse me" after getting sick in someone else's car after a night of heavy drankin.
It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.
Even if you're certain that you are included in a will, it's considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.
The socially refined never fish coins out of public toilets, especially if other people are around.
Always provide an alibi to the police for family members.