Football Season: North vs. South

Difference Between Northern & Southern Fairytales

A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time..." A southern fairytale begins "Ya'll ain't gonna believe this shit...!"

Attire

Women's Attire Up North: Chapstick in their back pocket and a $20 bill in their front pocket.

Women's Attire Down South: Louis Vuitton duffel with two lipsticks, powder, mascara (waterproof), concealer, and a fifth of bourbon. Wallet not necessary - that's what dates are for.

Up North: Both Male and female alike: woolly sweater or sweatshirt, jeans.

Down South: Male - pressed khakis, oxford shirt, cap with frat logo, Justin Ropers. Female - ankle-lenght skirt, coordinated cardigan, flat ridin boots, oxford.

Stadium Size

Up North: College football stadiums hold 20,000.

Down south: High school football stadiums hold 20,000.

Big Names

Up North: Doug Flutie.

Down South:Herschel Walker.

Weather

Up North: Snow and Ice.

Down South: Sunny, highs mid-60s, lows in the thirties.

Fathers

Up North:Expect their daughters to understand Sylvia Plath.

Down South:Expect their daughters to understand pass interference.

Campus Decor

Up North:Statues of Founding Fathers.

Down South:Statues of Heisman Trophy winners.

Homecoming Queen

Up North:Also a physics major.

Down South:Also Miss USA.

Gettin To The Stadium

Up North:Ya halfta ask, "Where's the stadium?" When you find it you walk right in with no line.

Down South:When yer near it, y'all hear it. On game day, it becomes the state's third largest city.

Heroes

Up North:Mario Cuomo.

Down South:"Bear" Bryant.

Gettin Tickets

Up North:5 days before the game ya'll kin walk in the ticket office on campus and still purchase tickets.

Down South:5 months before the game y'all can walk in the ticket office on campus and still be placed on the waitin list for tickets.

Friday Classes After a Thursday Night Game

Up North:Students and Teachers are not sure if they are going because they have class on Friday.

Down South:Teachers cancel class on Friday cuz they don't wanna see the few hungover students that might actually make it to class on Friday.

Parking

Up North:An hour or two before game time the university opens the campus for game parking.

Down South:RVs sportin their school flags begin arriving on Wednesday for the weekend's festivities. The real faithful begin arriving on Tuesday.

Game Day

Up North:A few (maybe 2) students will party in the dorm and watch ESPN on TV.

Down South:Every student wakes up, has a beer for breakfast, an rushes over to where ESPN is broadcasting Game Day "Live" to get on camera and wave to the idiots from up North who wonder why Game Day is never broadcast from their campus.

Tailgating

Up North:Drinks served in a paper cup filled to the top with soda.

Down South:30-foot custom pig-shaped smoker fires up at dawn. Cookin accompanied by live performance by Lynyrd Skynyrd, who come over during breaks and ask for a hit off yer bottle of bourbon.

Concessions

Up North:Wieners on the grill, beer with a lime in it, listening to local radio station with truck tailgate down.

Down South:Drinks served in a plastic cup with the home team's mascot -- filled less than halfway to ensure enough room for bourbon.

When The National Anthem Is Played

Up North:Stands are less than half full.

Down South:80,000+ fans sing along in perfect 3-part harmony.

The Smell In The Air After The First Score

Up North:Nothing changes.

Down South:Fireworks with a twist of bourbon.

Commentary (Male)

Up North:"Nice play."

Down South:"Dammit you slow sumbitch -- tackle him and break his legs!!!"

Commentary (Female)

Up North:"My, this is a violent sport."

Down South:"Dammit you slow sumbitch -- tackle him and break his legs!!!"

After The Game

Up North:The stadium is empty afore the game ends.

Down South:Another rack of ribs on the smoker. While somebody goes to the nearest package store for more bourbon, plannin' begins for next week's party.