• If it's all the same to you, I won't be coming in to work. The voices told me to clean all the guns today.

• When I got up this morning, I took two Ex-Lax in addition to my Prozac. I can't get off the john, but I feel good about it.

• I set half the clocks in my house ahead an hour and the other half back an hour Saturday, and spent 18 hours in some kind of space-time continuum loop, reliving Sunday (right up until the explosion). I was able to exit the loop only by reversing the polarity of the power source exactly e*log(pi) clocks in the house while simultaneously rapping my dog on the snout with a rolled up Times. Accordingly, I will be in late, or early.

• My stigmata's acting up.

• I can't come in to work today because I'll be stalking my previous boss, who fired me for not showing up for work. OK?

• I have a rare case of 48-hour projectile leprosy, but I know we have that deadline to meet...

• I am stuck in the blood pressure machine down at the Food Giant.

• Yes, I seem to have contracted some attention-deficit disorder and, hey, how about them Cowboys, huh? So, I won't be able to, yes, could I help you?  No, no, I'll be sticking with Sprint, but thank you for calling.

• Constipation has made me a walking time bomb.

• I just found out that I was switched at birth. Legally, I shouldn't come to work knowing my employee records may now contain false information.

• The psychiatrist said it was an excellent session. He even gave me this neat jaw restraint so I won't bite things when I am startled.

• The dog ate my car keys. We're going to hitchhike to the vet.

• My mother-in-law has come back as one of the Undead and we must track her to her coffin to drive a stake through her heart and give her eternal peace. One day should do it.

• I am converting my calendar from Julian to Gregorian.

• I am extremely sensitive to a rise in the interest rates.

• I can't come to work today because the EPA has determined that my house is completely surrounded by wetlands and I have to arrange for helicopter transportation.

STRESS Management...

Picture yourself near a stream.
Birds are chirping.
Nothing can bother you here. 
No one knows this secret place.
You are in total seclusion from that place called "the world".
The soothing soothing sound of a gentle waterfall 
fills the air with a cascade of serenity.
The water is clear......
You can easily make out the face of the person 
whose head you're holding under the water.
Look....! 
It's the person who caused you all this stress in the first damn place.
What a pleasant suprise! You let them up.....
just for a quick breath.....then ploop!....
back under they go....!
You allow yourself as many deep breaths as you want.
there now, feeling better?

1. It's an incentive to show up.

2. It leads to more honest communications.

3. It reduces complaints about low pay.

4. Employees tell management what they think, not what management wants to hear.

5. It encourages car pooling.

6. Increase job satisfaction because if you have a bad job, you don't care.

7. It eliminates vacations because people would rather come to work.

8. It makes fellow employees look better.

9. It makes the cafeteria food taste better.

10. Bosses are more likely to hand out raises when they are wasted.

11. Salary negotiations are a lot more profitable.

12.Employees work later since there's no longer a need to relax at the bar.

13. It makes everyone more open with their ideas.

14. Eliminates the need for employees to get drunk on their lunch break.

15. Increases the chance of seeing your boss naked.

16. Employees no longer need coffee to sober up.

What Makes 100%

Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%?

We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%.

How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?
 
Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:
 

But, A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E: 1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

And, B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T: 2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.

A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G: 1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%

 So, one can then conclude with mathematical certainty that While Hard work
and knowledge will get you close, and, Attitude will get you there, Bullshit
and Ass kissing will put you over the top.

Finally he decided, the first one to come to work tomorrow would be the one. Morning finally comes and the VP waits at the office for one of the two employees to arrive. At 8:55 Mary walks into the office. "I've got a difficult decision" the VP says, "I either have to lay you or Jack off." "Oh, jack-off," Mary says, "I've got a headache."

A New Work Disease