Things You'll NEVER Hear a TEXAN or ANY Southerner Say!

ALL Texans tell the truth. Some Texans tell stories. Some Texans tell stories REAL well!! And well... some Texans tell stories that even Texans don't believe... :)

Here's some Things You'll NEVER Hear a TEXAN, Redneck or ANY Self- Respectin Southerner Say (No matter HOW much they've had to drink, no matter HOW far from the South they've wandered, & no matter how much the skunks are threatening..)

Like We sez here in Texas, If yer so damn smart, why ain't u rich?

Yankee, Just come on down I-30 West and WELCOME!

You All.

Youse Guys (this'll get you shot or worse!)

There's no difference between Fords and Chevrolets.

Nope, no more for me. I'm a-drivin tonight.

Honey, we don't need another dog.

Do you think my gut is too big?

Who gives a crap who won the Civil War?

Duct tape won't fix that.

We don't keep firearms in this here house.

Has anybody seen the sideburns trimmer?

Ya cain't feed that to the dog.

I thought Graceland shore was tacky.

No kids in the back of that there pick-up truck; it aint safe.

Wrasslin's fake.

Honey, didja mail that thar donation to Greenpeace yet?

We're vegetarians.

I'll take Shakespeare for 1000, Alex!

I'll have grapefruit instead of biscuits and gravy.

Honey, do these bonsai trees need watering?

Who's Richard Petty?

Gimme the small bag of pork rinds.

Spittin's such a nasty habit.

I just couldn't find a thing at the Wal-Mart today.

Trim the fat off that thar steak.

Cappuccino tastes better than espresso.

The tires on that thar truck are too big.

I'll have the arugula and radicchio salad.

Be sure to bring my salad dressing on the side.
Does the salad bar have bean sprouts?

Would you like your fish poached or broiled?

I've got two cases of Zima for the Super Bowl!

I'll believe I'll have a Heinniken!

Little Debbie snack cakes way have too many fat grams.

Unsweetened tea tastes better.

Lisa Marie shore was lucky to catch Michael.

My fiancee, Paula Jo, is registered at Tiffany's.

Checkmate!

She's too damn old to be wearing that bikini!

She's too young to be wearing a bikini.

Hey, here's an episode of "Hee Haw" that we aint seen yet!

I don't have a favorite college team.

I believe you cooked them thar green beans too long.

This damn speed limit is just way too fast!!

I don't need no beer, just get me a soda!

Beer? Hell no!! I'm a-watchin' my figure.

I think I'll trade that old truck in on a Volvo!

Now, where'd I put that copy of the Wall Street Journal?

Do you think my gut is too big?

Go head, keep on drivin, no need to pull over and lemme pass, I'll just go around ya!

Those shorts ought to be a lil' longer, Daisy.

I gotta get OFF-LINE and go get IN LINE for my Michael Jackson tickets!

I plum fergot it's huntin' season!

Honey, I think we should sell the pickup and buy us a family sedan.

Now what to I do with this here lil pouch that says Red Man?

That bugzapper is just too annoying!!!

Shoot, while driving, I'd let damn near anyone in front of me!

"Shotgun racks should be outlawed equipment for pick-up trucks!"

"Oh I just couldn't, I mean, she's only sixteen."

AINT AINT A WORD AND I AINT GONNA USE IT!

Hey, I sure would LOVE to move up North!!!

New York city is a great place to vacation!

"Mexican food? Can't stand the stuff!"

Bailing wire won't hold that!

RICHARD SIMMONS FOR PRESIDENT!

"Dad gum it, WHICH way do you put the shells in this derned thang?"

I hope they never open that tavern up on Sundays!

NASCAR....What's NASCAR???

Taco bell sure has gooood MEXICAN food!

"I don't know what this is, but I'm a-lightin' it!!"

Elvis who?

No thanks, I cain't stand chili.
I'll just have a big bowl of that steamin New England clam chowder!

No I didnt really shoot that big ol' buck, I fell asleep in my deer stand, fell out of it, and landed right on top of him!

Here's something any Texan should be SHOT ON SIGHT for sayin Barbecue? EWWW!! NASTY stuff!!!

(Whoever says this oughta be shot on sight too!!) Beer and fishin don't go together!

Come to think of it, I'll have a spot of tea.
Do you think my hair is too big?

Deer heads detract from the decor.

I've got it all on a floppy disk.

Things Ya jest MIGHT Hear a Redneck Say

That there bacon comes with the biscuits and gravy?

Look - they got a picture of Elvis on the back of the sh*tter!

Junior, you ready for the daily rat-shoot?

That's the biggest raccoon I ever done seen!

Whoo hoo! Pork and beans again!

Excuse me, officer, you been doin some drinkin'?

Spam's on sale again, honey!

Pass me that there tattoo gun, Jake.

Wrasslin's on again!

That there old water heater is gonna make the perfect belt buckle!

Ya mean ta tell me the blocks come with the truck?

Get yer pappy a nice glass of moonshine fer his dinner.

Of course, sir, the passenger seat gun rack comes standard on every model.

Lookie here - free shirts and they already got the holes.

There ain't even no lock on this here junkyard.

These all mesh hats are the best thing ever done happened to me.

Well, ya see, the kids tend to take care of themselves.

Which 24 hour nudie bar we gonna hit tonight, Jed?

Redneck Vasectomy

After having their 11th child, an Arkansas couple decided that was enough, as they could not afford a larger bed. So the husband went to his veterinarian and told him that he and his cousin didn't want to have anymore children. The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was expensive.

A less costly alternative, said the doctor, was to go home, get a cherry bomb (fireworks are legal in Arkansas), light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10. The Arkansas man said to the doctor, "I may not be the sharpest knife in the drawer, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me."

"Trust me," said the doctor.

So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count: "1" "2" "3" "4" "5"

At which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs, and resumed counting on his other hand.

This procedure also works in Kentucky, Mississippi, & West Virginia.

Ya might be a Redneck if.... You think "Chablis" is the name of last month's Playboy centerfold.

�2000-2004 Beer Bytch Biz