More Irish Humor

More Irish Humor..

Crime: DUBLIN BANK ROBBERY

Excerpted from an article that appeared in the Dublin Times about a bank robbery on March 2.

Once inside the bank shortly after midnight, their efforts at disabling the security system got underway immediately. The robbers, who expected to find one or two large safes filled with cash & valuables, were surprised to see hundreds of smaller safes throughout the bank.

The robbers cracked the first safe's combination, and inside they found only a small bowl of vanilla pudding. As recorded on the bank's audio tape system, one robber said, "At least we'll have a bit to eat." The robbers opened up a second safe, and it also contained nothing but vanilla pudding.

The process continued until all safes were opened. They did not find one pound sterling, a diamond, or an ounce of gold. Instead, all the safes contained covered bowls of pudding. Disappointed, the robbers made a quiet exit, each leaving with nothing more than a queasy, uncomfortably full stomach.

The newspaper headline read:
IRELAND'S LARGEST SPERM BANK ROBBED EARLY THIS MORNING...

You're Drunk, You're Drunk!

An Irishman had been drinking at a pub all night. The bartender finally said the bar was closing. The Irishman stood up to leave and fell flat on his face. He tried to stand one more time, same result. He figured he'd crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe he would sober up. Once outside he stood up and fell flat on his face so he decided to crawl the 4 blocks to his home. When he arrived at the door he stood up and again fell flat on his face. He crawled through the door and into his bedroom. When he reached his bed he tried one more time to stand up. This time he managed to pull himself upright but he quickly fell right into bed and went sound asleep. He was awakened the next morning to see his wife standing over him saying "You went out again last night and got blind drunk again." "What makes you say that?" he asked, putting on an innocent look. "The pub called -- you left your wheelchair there again."

Tis a relief altogether!

An Irish girl went to London to work as a secretary and began sending home money and gifts to her parents. After a few years they asked her to come home for a visit, as her elderly father was getting frail and very hard of hearing. She pulled up to the family home in a Rolls Royce and stepped out wearing diamonds and a full-length fur coat. As she walked into the house her father said, "Hmmm--they seem to be paying secretaries awfully well in London these days."

The girl took his hands and said "Dad--I've been meaning to tell you something for years but I didn't want to put it in a letter. Obviously I can't hide it from you any longer. I've become a prostitute." Her father gasped, put his hand on his chest and keeled over. The doctor was called but the old man had clearly lost the will to live. He was put to bed and the priest was called. As the priest administered the Last Rites with the mother and daughter weeping and wailing nearby, the old man muttered weakly, "I'm a goner-- killed by my own daughter! Killed by the shame of what she's become!"

"Please forgive me," his daughter sobbed, "I only wanted to have nice things! I wanted to send you money and the only way I could do it was by becoming a prostitute." Brushing the priest aside, the old man sat bolt upright in bed, smiling. "Did you say PROSTITUTE? I thought you said PROTESTANT!

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