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The Beer Prayer
Our lager, Which art in barrels,
Hallowed be thy drink, Thy will be drunk, (I will be drunk),
At home, as I am in the pub and tavern.
Give us this day our foamy head,
And forgive us our spillages,
As we forgive those who spill against us,
and lead us not to incarceration,
But deliver us from hangovers,
For thine is the beer, The bitter and the lager,
Forever and ever,
Barmen.
**Author unknown, but believed to be either German, Irish or Scottish!**
How DRUNK are ya'll?
Signs that you are too drunk...
- Ya lose arguments with inanimate objects.
- Ya have to hold onto the lawn to keep from fallin' off the earth.
- Job interfering with yer drinkin'.
- Yer doctor finds traces of blood in yer alcohol stream.
- Career won't progress beyond Senator of Massachusetts.
- The back of yer head keeps gettin' hit by the toilet seat.
- Ya sincerely believe alcohol to be the elusive 5th food group.
- Two hands and jest one mouth... - Now THAT'S a drinkin' problem!
- You can focus better with one eye closed.
- I'm as jober as a sudge.
- You think the Four Basic Food Groups are Caffeine, Nicotine, Alcohol, and [Women or Men].
- The parkin' lot seems to have up & moved while you were in the bar.
- The shrubbery's drunk from too frequent watering.
- Your twin sons are named Barley and Hops.
- You fall off the floor...
- You fall off the bed...
- Hey, 5 beers has just as many calories as a burger, screw dinner!
- That damned pink elephant followed me home again!
- You wake up screaming "TORO TORO TORO!" in the middle of the night.
- Mosquitoes catch a buzz after attacking you.
- At AA meetings you begin: "Hi, my name is... uh..."
- Your idea of cutting back is less salt.
- Ya wake up in the bedroom, yer underwear is in the bathroom, ya fell asleep clothed. - hmm.
- The whole bar says 'Hi' when you come in...
- Senators Kennedy and Packwood shake their heads when they walk past you.
- To some it's half empty, To some it's half full. To me it's time for a beer run!
- Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder...
- Beer: It's not just for breakfast anymore.
ADDITIONAL WARNINGS FOR ALCOHOL
The FDA is considering additional warnings on beer and alcohol bottles,
such as:
- 13.WARNING: consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.
- 12.WARNING: consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an asshole.
- 11.WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to SMASH YOUR DAMN HEAD IN.
- 10.WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish.
- 9. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at 4 in the morning.
- 8. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your pants.
- 7. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose species and or name you can't remember.)
- 6. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead.
- 5. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are BADDER, tougher, handsomer and smarter than some really, really big guy named Chuck.
- 4. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible.
- 3. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.
- 2. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause an influx in the time-space continuum, whereby small (and sometimes large) gaps of time may seem to literally disappear.
- 1. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may actually CAUSE pregnancy.
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