Ya know it's summertime in Texas when...

• Ya no longer associate bridges (or rivers) with water.
• You can say 110 degrees without fainting.
• You notice your car overheating before you ever drive it.
• You eat hot chilies to cool your mouth off.
• The temperature drops below 95, you feel a bit chilly.
• You can make instant sun tea.
• Your computer won't work unless it has it's own AC blowing on it.
• You learn that a seat belt makes a damn good brandin iron.
• You discover that in July, it takes only 2 fingers to drive your car.
• Hot air balloons can't go up, because the air outside is hotter than the air inside.
• You discover that you can get a sunburn through your car window.
• You notice the best parking place is determined by shade instead of distance.
• Hot water now comes out of both taps.
• It's noon in July, kids are on summer vacation, and not one person is out on the streets.
• You actually burn your hand opening the car door...
• You discover that it only takes two fingers to drive your car.
• The swans in the Zoo come in "original recipe" and "extra crispy."
• Hotter water comes from the cold water tap than the hot one.
• The strawberries are ripe and the cab drivers are riper.
• Your pool water starts to boil in the sun.
• The hot-dogs sold outside Yankee Stadium are actually hot.
• Pigs complain about sweating like fat humans.
• A scalding hot shower still cools you down.
• You've been getting hot flashes, and you're a man.
• People walking down the sidewalk spontaneously burst into flames.
• A $20 surcharge is added to your bill when you eat at air-conditioned restaurants.
• The politicians take their hands out of your pockets to fan themselves.
• You need a spatula to remove your clothing.
• When the beer gut and big butt don't keep you from wearing shorts.
• You wish you had gotten the cloth seats instead of leather.
• You ask your boss for extra work so you can be in the FREE air conditioning as much as possible.
• You are sweating in both directions -- up and down!
• Lawyers kill themselves because they know it's cooler in Hell.
• It's noon in July, kids are on summer vacation, and not one person is moving on the streets.
• Sunscreen is sold at the front of the checkout counter, a formula less than 30 SPF is a joke, and you wear it just to go shopping.
• You are sitting inside reading these jokes.
• Your brother's braces make blisters on his lips.
• You break a sweat the instant you step outside...at 7:30 a.m. before work.
• No one would EVEN dream of putting vinyl upholstery in a car not havin air conditioning.
• Yer biggest bike wreck fear is, "What if I get knocked out and end up lying on the pavement and cook to death?"
• Airplanes can't land because the asphalt is too soft.
• You realize that asphalt has a liquid state.
• The city is rationing the water supply, and it aint even summer yet!

It's SO hot in Texas ....

• The birds have to use pot holders to pull worms out of the ground.
• The potatoes cook underground and all you have to do to have lunch is to pull one out and add butter, salt and pepper.
• Farmers are feeding their chickens crushed ice to keep them from laying hard boiled eggs.

It's SO dry in Texas ....

• The cows are giving evaporated milk.
• The trees are a whistlin' for the dogs.
• The trees are a fightin over the dawgs.
• A sad Texan once prayed, "I wish it would rain-not so much for me, cuz I've seen it, but for my 7-year-old."
• A visitor to Texas once asked, "Does it ever rain out here?" A rancher quickly answered "Yup, it shore do! Do ya remember that part in the Bible where it rained for 40 days and 40 nights?" The visitor replied, "Why yes, I'm familiar with Noah's flood." "Well," the rancher puffed up, we got about two and a half inches during that spell."

  
  Hotter'n Hell?
  

  A Texan dies and goes to hell. While down there the Devil notices that the Texan is not suffering like the rest. He checks the gauges and sees that it's 90 degrees and about 80% humidity. So he goes over to the Texan and asks why he's so happy. The Texan says, "I like it here. The temperature is just like Texas in June. The Devil isn't happy with the Texan's answer and decides to get him, so he goes over and turns up the temperature to 100 degrees and the humidity to 90%. After turning everything up he goes looking for the Texan. He finds him standing around unbuttoning his shirt, just as happy as can be. The Devil quizzes the Texan again as to why he's so happy. The Texan says, "This is even better. It's like Texas in July." The Devil, now upset, decides to really make the Texan really suffer. He goes over to the controls and turns the heat up to 120 degrees and the humidity to 100%. "Now lets see what the Texan is up to," he says. So he goes looking for the Texan. He finds him taking his shirt off, even happier then before. The Devil can't figure it out. He asks the Texan why he's happy now. The Texan replies, "This is great, it's just like Texas in August." The Devil says, "That's it, I'll get this guy." He goes over and turns the temperature down to a freezing 25 degrees. "Let's see what the Texan has to say about this." The Devil looks around and finds the Texan jumping up and down for joy and yelling..... "HOT DAMN!! THE TEXAS RANGERS HAVE FINALLY WON THE WORLD SERIES!"

  

     

  

©2000-2003 Beer Bytch Biz