CHICKEN SOUP FOR THE BEER DRINKER

CHICKEN SOUP FOR THE BEER DRINKER'S SOUL
"I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day. " ~Frank Sinatra	"Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy." ~ Benjamin Franklin	"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading." ~ Henny Youngman
Always remember that I have taken more out of alcohol than alcohol has taken out of me. ~Winston Churchill	One Tequila, 2 Tequila, 3 Tequila, Floor! ~ "Unknown"	"When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. Sooooo, let's all get drunk and go to heaven!" ~ Brian O'Rourke
"24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not." ~ Stephen Wright	The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind. ~ Humphrey Bogart	"Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza." ~ Dave Barry
Remember "I" before "E", except in Budweiser. -- Professor Irwin Corey	BEER: HELPING UGLY PEOPLE HAVE SEX SINCE 3000 B.C.!!! -- W.C. Fields	Work is the curse of the drinking class. ~ Oscar Wilde
You can't be a real country unless you have a beer and an airline; it helps if you have some kind of a football team, or some nuclear weapons, but at the very least you need a beer. ~Frank Zappa	To some it's a six-pack, to me it's a Support Group. Salvation in a can! -- Leo Durocher	Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut. ~ Ernest Hemmingway
He was a wise man who invented beer. ~Plato	A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank her. ~W.C. Fields	If you ever reach total enlightenment while drinking beer, I bet it makes beer shoot out your nose. ~ Jack Handy
Why is American beer served cold? So you can tell it from urine. ~David Moulton	Time is never wasted when you're wasted all the time. ~Catherine Zandonella	"Life's too short to drink bad beer" ~"unknown"
Give me a woman who loves beer and I will conquer the world. ~Kaiser Welhelm	People who drink light beer don't like the taste of beer; they just like to pee alot. ~Capital Brewery, Middleton, WI	I would kill everyone in this room for a drop of sweet beer. ~Homer Simpson
I drink to make other people interesting. ~George Jean Nathan	"I told the stewardess liquor for three." - "Who are the other two? - "Oh, there are no other two." ~ Sean Connery (as James Bond)	They who drink beer will think beer. ~Washington Irving
You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on. ~Dean Martin	An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with his fools. ~(For Whom the Bell Tolls, Ernest Hemmingway)	"Do not allow children to mix drinks. It is unseemly and they use too much vermouth." ~Steve Allen
All right, brain, I don't like you and you don't like me - so let's just do this and I'll get back to killing you with beer. ~Homer Simpson	"The hard part about being a bartender is figuring out who is drunk and who is just stupid." ~Richard Braunstein	"Everybody should believe in something -- I believe I'll have another drink." ~ "Unknown"
"In the Bowling Alley of Tomorrow, there will even be machines that wear rental shoes and throw the ball for you. Your sole function will be to drink beer." ~Dave Barry	"Actually, it only takes one drink to get me loaded. Trouble is, I can't remember if it's the thirteenth or fourteenth." ~George Burns	"If your doctor warns that you have to watch your drinking, find a bar with a mirror." ~John Mooney
"I can't die until the government finds a safe place to bury my liver." ~Phil Harris	"They say never to drink before 5 pm, I guarantee somewhere in the world right now, it's after 5pm." ~ " Unknown"	"Whenever someone asks me if I want water with my Scotch, I say, "I'm thirsty, not dirty". ~Joe Lewis
"For all the people who tell you that drinking is unhealthy, try this experiment. Take a glass of water, a glass of whiskey and 2 worms. first drop a worm in the glass of water and watch the little fella swimming around and having fun. Then drop a worm in the glass of whiskey. It dies. Moral of the story, if you drink whiskey, you'll never have worms. ~W.C. Fields		"Sometimes when I reflect back on all the beer I drink I feel shamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, "It is better that I drink this beer and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver." ~ Jack Handy
One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff was explaining the Buffalo Theory to his buddy Norm. Here's how it went: "Well ya see, Norm, it's like this... A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers" ~Cliff Clavin, of Cheers