Travel Guide To Texas

Travel Guide To Texas

Like it or not, the new White House is in Crawford, Texas, and is drawing a great number of people to the Lone Star State, including many who are not used to our ways. (Ya Damn Yankees!) The following information may be helpful:

1. Do not expect to find filet mignon or pasta primavera at the local restaurant. It is a diner. They serve hamburgers and chicken fried steak. Let them cook something they know. If you confuse them, they will kick your ass.

2. Do not order a bottle of pop or a can of soda. In Texas, it is called a coke. Nobody gives a damn whether it is Pepsi, RC, Sprite, whatever - it is still a coke. Accept it. Doing otherwise can lead to an ass kicking.

3. We have plenty of business sense (e.g. Howard Hughes, H. Ross Perot, Southwest and American Airlines, Compaq and Dell Computers.) Naturally, sometimes we have small lapses in judgment (e.g. George Jr.) However, we ARE NOT dumb enough to let someone move to our state just so they can run for the US Senate. If anyone tried to do that, they would get a serious ass kicking straight back to New York.

4. Do not laugh at our Civil War monuments. If Lee had listened to General Hood, you would be paying taxes to Richmond instead of Washington. And, if you are blessed enough to be able to visit the Alamo, take off your hat and be properly humble, or we will definitely kick your ass, no questions asked.

5. We are fully aware of how hot it gets and how high the humidity is, so shut the HELL up about it. If you cannot stand the heat, get out of the kitchen, or we will kick your ass.

6. Do not attempt to eat tamales without first removing their cornhusk casing. Everyone will instantly know that you are a Yankee. And not just ANY ole Yankee, but a DAMN Yankee. Do not, under any circumstances, complain that the chili is TOO hot or that it does not contain kidney beans. This will get your ass kicked into next week.

7. Do not talk about how much better things are at home because we know that they are not. Many of us have visited northern hell-holes like Detroit, Chicago, New York and Cleveland, and we have scars to prove it. If you do not like it here, “Delta is ready when you are.” Move your ass home, before we kick it there.

8. Yes, we know how to speak proper English. We talk this way because we do not want to sound like you. We do not care if you do not understand what we are saying. All other Texans understand what we are saying and that is all that matters. Now, go away or we will kick your ass.

9. Do not ridicule our Texas manners. We say “sir” and “ma’am.” We hold doors open for others. We offer our seats to old folks. Such things are expected of civilized people. Behave yourselves around our sweet little gray-haired Grandmothers or they will kick your ass (just like they did ours.)

10. DO NOT DARE, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES, EVER TELL US HOW TO COOK BARBEQUE. This will get your ass shot (right after it is kicked.) Criticize the barbeque and you may go home in a pine box (minus your kicked ass..)

*Remember, the only reason you are lucky enough to be here in the first place is because we have not pulled the Border Patrol off of the Rio Grande and put them on the Red River (where they really belong) to keep your ass out.

Enjoy your visit, ya’ll… and DON'T FORGET TO GO BACK HOME!